why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
