just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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