omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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