u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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