so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
