Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
