heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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