I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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