I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
