so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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