Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
