Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
