I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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