I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
