grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
