Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
