I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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