yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
