I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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