wake up i wanna do it froggy style
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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