I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
