i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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