Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
we're so committed to being not committed
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
