This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
