i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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