My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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