I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I am midnight drunk by noon
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
