Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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