I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
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They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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