She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Boobs are out for the taking
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He did a backflip because drugs
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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