I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
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I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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