so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
