he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
