im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
