96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
