It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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