i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
