So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
