am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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