I wannas sexs uuuuu
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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