had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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