so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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