my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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