Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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