At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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