Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
