I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
