I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
