that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
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Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
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You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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