Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
