i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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