having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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