the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
