I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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