if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
