so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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