get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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