My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
3pm strippers are depressing
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
