Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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